Seriously!!

There should be a law in all offices that certain foods should not be microwaved in the office lunch room. I'm about to gag over here! I don't know what it is, it just smells horrible and I had to take one of my anti-nausea pills. Of course, no one knows I'm pregnant so I just have to suffer silently and hope that no one sees my face turn pale green so I don't have to make up a stupid excuse for why I don't feel good. Can't wait to go home... or better yet, just get in my car!

A Positive Step Forward

Yesterday, in my quest to be as positive as possible, I went to BabiesRUs and purchased a new Ultrasound frame. I felt so good about doing it and just the act made me very happy and excited. We have gotten the Ultrasound Frames for all the babies. Asa & Lexi's were both hung up in their rooms w/ the HPT wand on top. I kept Johnny's HPT wand, but we didn't purchase the Ultrasound Frame until after he was already born and not with us any longer. In fact, we bought it on the way from the hospital to the funeral home to make his arrangements for cremation. This time I was determined to get it now.

When I got home from work, John and I filled out the frame with the Ultrasound date (2/9/2010 and the Due Date 9/16/2010 and picked out which picture we wanted to put in the frame. After that we decided instead of having them in their respective rooms, we would put them all in the hallway. I felt better about this because obviously Johnny isn't with us and I didn't want his to be put somewhere else in the house. They should all be together. John did a perfect job of putting them all up at the end of the hall. 2 on top and 2 on bottom, along with all of the HPT wands on top of each frame.

Of course, Asa doesn't miss anything so he noticed them right away. I held him up and showed him each ultrasound picture. "This is you in Mommy's tummy, here is Lexi, here is Angel Brother (Johnny) and here is the new baby in Mommy's Tummy". I asked both Asa and Lexi if they would like a new brother or sister and each replied "yes". I asked them what they wanted. Asa want's brother, Lexi want's a sister and then Asa said he actually just wants a Octopus. So funny!

I love them both so much and I can't wait to see how much another new baby is going to enrich their lives. They are amazing and I know they will love this new baby as much as they love eachother.

8w5d

I was nervous. I was so glad that John was there with me. The nurse was happy to see me again and gave me a big hug. We went over my chart and asked the routine questions. Nothing new, nothing I didn't already know. First thing first, was to get the ultrasound to determine how far along we are. I cannot tell you how happy I was to see the heartbeat. 162bpm. Everything looks good. I cried. I was a little surprised at how far along I am though. But once I did the math to when I thought we concieved, it added up. Next we talked to Dr. H. He understood my nervousness and was quick to calm me and reassure me that they would do everything they could to monitor this pregnancy. Starting with prenatals (of course) and baby aspirin (just a precaution). We go back in 4 weeks for another ultrasound and another appt. Then I will probably have to go in every 2 weeks. Each time I go in they will do an ultrasound.

After the appointment, John and I went to brunch at Black Bear Diner. I love that place! The menu is HUGE and I can never decide on what I want. I opted for the Cinnamon Roll French Toast. Totally yummy.

Okay, next step is to tell my supervisor so I can get paperwork started for HR. She will be the only one that knows, other than John and I. We (I) still want to keep things on the down low for now.

Another Tomorrow

I never realized how much the word "tomorrow" means to me. The positive me says, "Tomorrow - I will still be pregnant, know how far along I am, and hopefully we will be able to get an ultrasound and see the baby." That's the positive me, and I am trying to only be positive. The negative me is still there, but I am pushing her aside and ignoring her for the most part.

Tomorrow, we go to my OBGYN. John is going with me and I am so thankful for that. I talked to him on Friday and cried and told him that I honestly didn't think I could do this appointment without him there. He will never understand how horrible it was the last time without him there when by ultrasound we discovered Johnny didn't have a heartbeat anymore. Maybe the future appointments will be better for me (although I doubt it), but I NEEDED him with me. He's going and I am grateful.

Keeping my hope alive for another tomorrow...

It's Official

Did my pee test this morning and confirmed what we already know. Next step is waiting a few days for the referral to my OBGYN to process. I will call them on Friday and schedule an appointment for next week. I talked to John about it a few weeks ago and told him I would like for him to be there for as many appointments as possible. Especially the first one. With Johnny, he wasn't able to go to any appointments and when I found out he didn't have a heartbeat I was alone. It was devastating. I'm determined to positive about this pregnancy, but I really need him with me to catch me if I fall apart and celebrate the good news that will hopefully come and be plentiful.

So yeah... Here we go again. I think I'm actually starting to get excited.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow morning I am going in the dr's office (lab) to get my urine test done for the official confirmation. Then I meet with the PA and get my referral processed for my OBGYN. Once the referral is processed I will make an appointment with them. I talked to my husband about going back to the same OBGYN and we both agreed that we would. He's an amazing doctor and I absolutely love him. He delivered both Asa and Lexi and was there when Johnny was born. He shared in our joy when we had Asa and Lexi and cried with us when we lost Johnny. The only reason I questioned it was because I wasn't sure if I could go back into his office again, what they would think (being so soon after we lost Johnny) and all the memories associated with the day we discovered Johnny's heart was no longer beating.

My husband is determined to be positive about this pregnancy and that is helping me more that I would usually like to admit. He wants to start moving the bedrooms around and get the nursery ready for this one. I told him know, but he made a good point. We didn't do that for Johnny. We were always going to get around to it, but we never did. I believe in my heart that Johnny knew he was wanted, but my husband wants to follow through with the steps like every expecting parent would. He wants to start preparing and really show this baby how much it's wanted and anticipated. Maybe then I won't lose it? I don't know. I'm trying to stay hopeful, but I'm still scared. Who would blame me?