Sweet Dream or Beautiful Nightmare?

I've liked the song, but never really listed to the words. It's by Beyonce. I looked up the lyrics and couldn't believe how much I relate to them...

Every night I rush to my bed

with hopes that maybe I’ll get a chance to see you

When I close my eyes I’m goin outta my head

Lost in a fairytale

Can you hold my hands and be my guide

Clouds filled with stars cover your skies

and I hope it rains

You’re the perfect lullaby

What kinda dream is this?

You can be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare

Either way I don't wanna wake up from you

Sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare

Somebody pinch me, your love's too good to be true

My guilty pleasure I ain't goin no where

Baby long as you're here

I’ll be floatin on air cause you're my

You can be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare

Either way I, don't wanna wake up from you

I mention you when I say my prayers

I wrap you around all of my thoughts

Boy you my temporary high

I wish that when I wake up you’re there

So wrap your arms around me for real and tell me you’ll stay by side

Clouds filled with stars cover the skies

and I hope it rains

You’re the perfect lullaby

What kinda dream is this?

You can be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare

Either way I, don't wanna wake up from you

Sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare

Somebody pinch me, your love's too good to be true

My guilty pleasure I ain't goin no where

Baby long as you're here

I’ll be floatin on air cause you're my

You can be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare

Either way I, don't wanna wake up from you

Tattoo your name across my heart

So it will remain

Not even death could make us part

What kind of dream is this?

You can be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare

Either way I, don't wanna wake up from you

Sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare

Somebody pinch me, your love's too good to be true

You can be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare

Fear... of the known and unknown

Still haven't called the doctor to make my appointment yet, or to even confirm the HPT result. My outside excuse is that it's end of month and there is no way I can take the time off to go to the doctor until next week. My inside excuse is my new found fear of actually going to the doctor. Fear of what I already know, fear of getting my hopes up, fear of not hearing a heartbeat, fear of not seeing a heartbeat, fear of the fear. I know it's to early probably to see or hear a heartbeat anyway, it's just the thought of it not being there.

Speaking of early or late, I don't even know how far along I am. When I lost Johnny my period got thrown all off. I would have it for a few day, not have it for a few days, get it back for a week, etc. I stopped writing it down. I started taking BCP's about a month after I lost Johnny and took them for about a month and decided they weren't right for me. I was getting really moody and bloated, plus my periods were still irregular. I never liked the pill, now I remember why. I stopped taking them. Of course I told J, and he understood the ramifications. And, here we are...

I promised myself I would schedule some time next week.

I send my BLM community a note yesterday letting them know my new status. I was relieved at how positive the responses were. I was really fearful that they wouldn't want me part of the group anymore. They have been really supportive and it helps to know that I'm not the only one out there who fears being pregnant again.

Not sure how to feel... happy, terrified...

I knew, even without taking the test. I've known for about a week. I know my body better than anyone. Still, I wouldn't look at the HPT. I pee'd on it, put the cap back on and turned it upside down on my husbands vanity by his sink. I knew what it would read, still I was terrified to actually know because it would then be my new reality. J confirmed it for me when he came in the bathroom to get ready. So now, it's true - at least by HPT standards. The nausea was my first clue last week though. Even as hard as I tried to discount it, I knew.

I'm not sure how I feel. Of course I am happy. My husband is thrilled. I cried. I cried for our Angel Johnny who we lost at 16 weeks on September 22nd, 2009. My husband, the amazing man that he is pointed out to me that Johnny is paving the way for this one. Just like the twins we lost in 2005 paved the way for our son and daughter later. I have to believe that, I NEED to believe that.

I made my husband promise that he wouldn't tell anyone. I don't want anyone to know. Not my parents, not his parents, not my sister - no one! I have not told a soul. I don't know how I would even begin. I am still processing all of this. I need the time to come to terms with a new pregnancy while still grieving for Johnny who's due date is March 6th. I haven't even gone to the doctor yet to get medical confirmation, haven't even called them. I need to do that. My once excitement over going to the OBGYN to listen to the heartbeat and get ultrasounds, has now turned to anxiety.

I'm a member of a great BLM community, and I'm terrified to tell them. I need that support right now. Emails flood into my inbox about how hard it is to see pregnant women and how horrible it is to hear that someone else is pregnant and they aren't. I've been there. I know their pain. I don't blame them. But what do I say? Do I send a note to the administrator and get taken off the mailing list? I'm still grieving for Johnny and I read all the emails, and although I don't respond that much, I read them and it helps. It helps me to know that there are other BLM out there who feel what I feel. Just because I'm pregnant now, does that mean I shouldn't have those feelings still? It doesn't take away the pain of loosing Johnny or the fear of being pregnant again.

I'm horribly confused....