Not sure how to feel... happy, terrified...

I knew, even without taking the test. I've known for about a week. I know my body better than anyone. Still, I wouldn't look at the HPT. I pee'd on it, put the cap back on and turned it upside down on my husbands vanity by his sink. I knew what it would read, still I was terrified to actually know because it would then be my new reality. J confirmed it for me when he came in the bathroom to get ready. So now, it's true - at least by HPT standards. The nausea was my first clue last week though. Even as hard as I tried to discount it, I knew.

I'm not sure how I feel. Of course I am happy. My husband is thrilled. I cried. I cried for our Angel Johnny who we lost at 16 weeks on September 22nd, 2009. My husband, the amazing man that he is pointed out to me that Johnny is paving the way for this one. Just like the twins we lost in 2005 paved the way for our son and daughter later. I have to believe that, I NEED to believe that.

I made my husband promise that he wouldn't tell anyone. I don't want anyone to know. Not my parents, not his parents, not my sister - no one! I have not told a soul. I don't know how I would even begin. I am still processing all of this. I need the time to come to terms with a new pregnancy while still grieving for Johnny who's due date is March 6th. I haven't even gone to the doctor yet to get medical confirmation, haven't even called them. I need to do that. My once excitement over going to the OBGYN to listen to the heartbeat and get ultrasounds, has now turned to anxiety.

I'm a member of a great BLM community, and I'm terrified to tell them. I need that support right now. Emails flood into my inbox about how hard it is to see pregnant women and how horrible it is to hear that someone else is pregnant and they aren't. I've been there. I know their pain. I don't blame them. But what do I say? Do I send a note to the administrator and get taken off the mailing list? I'm still grieving for Johnny and I read all the emails, and although I don't respond that much, I read them and it helps. It helps me to know that there are other BLM out there who feel what I feel. Just because I'm pregnant now, does that mean I shouldn't have those feelings still? It doesn't take away the pain of loosing Johnny or the fear of being pregnant again.

I'm horribly confused....