Fear... of the known and unknown

Still haven't called the doctor to make my appointment yet, or to even confirm the HPT result. My outside excuse is that it's end of month and there is no way I can take the time off to go to the doctor until next week. My inside excuse is my new found fear of actually going to the doctor. Fear of what I already know, fear of getting my hopes up, fear of not hearing a heartbeat, fear of not seeing a heartbeat, fear of the fear. I know it's to early probably to see or hear a heartbeat anyway, it's just the thought of it not being there.

Speaking of early or late, I don't even know how far along I am. When I lost Johnny my period got thrown all off. I would have it for a few day, not have it for a few days, get it back for a week, etc. I stopped writing it down. I started taking BCP's about a month after I lost Johnny and took them for about a month and decided they weren't right for me. I was getting really moody and bloated, plus my periods were still irregular. I never liked the pill, now I remember why. I stopped taking them. Of course I told J, and he understood the ramifications. And, here we are...

I promised myself I would schedule some time next week.

I send my BLM community a note yesterday letting them know my new status. I was relieved at how positive the responses were. I was really fearful that they wouldn't want me part of the group anymore. They have been really supportive and it helps to know that I'm not the only one out there who fears being pregnant again.